My mind is numb. Too many
emotions have been running in it since a very long time now. I take a deep
breath and another and another. But nothing works, nothing calms me down. The
array of feelings running through me is too vast. I can’t think, can’t get a grip
on these wildly rampaging beasts. There’s love and devotion, then there is duty
and sincerity, there is regret and pain and then worry and care. There were
dreams and aspirations in these eyes once; now everything is black, shielded in
a mist of confusion. Life had a meaning once, an aim and a destination. Now
it’s a crossroad of crossroads, each leading to a different place, each laced
with its own bag of sorrows and regrets. If I choose love, I lose devotion. If
I choose success, I lose love. Surviving without love is like breathing without
oxygen, and yet it is love itself that pushes me towards devotion and success;
it is love that pushes me away from it. This shadow has taken over all my
senses now. I don’t know what I want or what I feel anymore. All I know is that
I need a dark corner to lurk within, away from the prying eyes of the world,
away from the sea of expectations, alone with myself. Thoughts of the future
haunt my present like ghosts lingering over head. I wish this was a phase that
would pass away. But time doesn’t move like that, it taunts and teases, like a
slowly spreading poison, and when desires finally come true, it blows away like
that cold gust of wind from the north. I am torn, shredded to pieces by this
war raging inside me. The conflict is killing me, draining away every drop of
mental sanity I have. I need a hand to guide me to light, arms to hold me as I
scream out my pain. But the only light is the one shining from my laptop, as I
sit alone in the dark, hugging myself and sobbing silent screams.
SUMMER: That bliss of painful brightness
I want to run away from this. I
want a new life, new identity, and new memories. But life doesn’t work that
way. I believed my God would slowly sort everything out. But as things unfold,
I get pulled more and more into this vortex of conflict. I have become a
contradiction in myself. Everything I ever stood for is now bathed in
ambiguity. I am lost, like a ship in an ocean. My anchors are broken, and I am
floating away, farther and farther from known land, into the blue sea of nothingness.
I don’t know what I am doing, and I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know
what calms my soul anymore; don’t know what soothes my spirit. I wish I could
rise from the ashes like a phoenix, and start afresh. But I am no bird of flames; I am just a mere
human, bound by the laws of mortality.
MONSOON: A Shower that washes it all away
I crave for freedom. I crave to be free from the
bounds of expectations, I crave to be free from this whirlwind of emotions. I
don’t want to feel anymore, I don’t want warmth anymore. I need the chilly
winter to freeze my heart and lock away all those tears. I want to forget all
those years past me, I want to get shrouded in the blackness and start painting
my world again. I want to erase everything from my heart and mind; all the pain
and all the smiles. Because it is those smiles that remind me of what I have
lost, remind me of who I have become. I want to erase this cursed existence of
mine, this so called luxury I have been provided with. I am tired of this long
summer, I crave for the monsoon to come and wash away every trace of memory
from my mind. I want to forget, and move on. I want to be a new person.
WINTER: A white sorrow...beautiful and lonely
