I am a Woman...

I cannot be weak, I cannot break down. I need to stand tall and strong. I need to face this world with an unbreakable strength. Because I am a woman, I am the child of Mother Nature. In me lies the power of creation. In my veins flows the blood of tolerance. No matter how strong a storm I face, my roots are embedded deep into the ground; I won’t budge. With my womb I maintain the delicate balance of existence. And yet, I am the reincarnation of Kali, the mother of destruction. I am the daughter of the ever-flowing Ganga. I rinse the sins of souls, all the while maintaining my integrity, my identity.

 I am the epitome of eternal beauty, for it is not my body but my heart that holds the true wonder. I am the nurturer, the protector. I am serendipity’s serene miracle. Like a river I drown in me all the pain. Like a tree I nourish. Like the mountain I stand unmovable. Like the rain I wash away fear. Like the ocean I crash on the shore of life, never taking away anything with me. Like the sky I am ever calm, like clouds I float bringing freshness. I am warm like the summer breeze; I am cool like the fresh snow.

And yet, I am a kindred spirit, I am a small child with an innocent soul. All I need is a little bit of love. Like a seedling I need a bit of care to grow into a strong tree. For all my strength, I need a hand to hold me when I stumble. I need a shoulder to rest on; I need a smile to lighten my heart. I cry not because I am over emotional, but because I shoulder your burdens, I feel your pain. I absorb your tears and make them mine. I need your smooth caress, I need the reassurance of your warm breathe to give me strength. I just need your company, your support. Be with me, and I will take away all your pain.  

Seasons of life...

        My mind is numb. Too many emotions have been running in it since a very long time now. I take a deep breath and another and another. But nothing works, nothing calms me down. The array of feelings running through me is too vast. I can’t think, can’t get a grip on these wildly rampaging beasts. There’s love and devotion, then there is duty and sincerity, there is regret and pain and then worry and care. There were dreams and aspirations in these eyes once; now everything is black, shielded in a mist of confusion. Life had a meaning once, an aim and a destination. Now it’s a crossroad of crossroads, each leading to a different place, each laced with its own bag of sorrows and regrets. If I choose love, I lose devotion. If I choose success, I lose love. Surviving without love is like breathing without oxygen, and yet it is love itself that pushes me towards devotion and success; it is love that pushes me away from it. This shadow has taken over all my senses now. I don’t know what I want or what I feel anymore. All I know is that I need a dark corner to lurk within, away from the prying eyes of the world, away from the sea of expectations, alone with myself. Thoughts of the future haunt my present like ghosts lingering over head. I wish this was a phase that would pass away. But time doesn’t move like that, it taunts and teases, like a slowly spreading poison, and when desires finally come true, it blows away like that cold gust of wind from the north. I am torn, shredded to pieces by this war raging inside me. The conflict is killing me, draining away every drop of mental sanity I have. I need a hand to guide me to light, arms to hold me as I scream out my pain. But the only light is the one shining from my laptop, as I sit alone in the dark, hugging myself and sobbing silent screams. 

                                            

                                              SUMMER: That bliss of painful brightness

         I want to run away from this. I want a new life, new identity, and new memories. But life doesn’t work that way. I believed my God would slowly sort everything out. But as things unfold, I get pulled more and more into this vortex of conflict. I have become a contradiction in myself. Everything I ever stood for is now bathed in ambiguity. I am lost, like a ship in an ocean. My anchors are broken, and I am floating away, farther and farther from known land, into the blue sea of nothingness. I don’t know what I am doing, and I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what calms my soul anymore; don’t know what soothes my spirit. I wish I could rise from the ashes like a phoenix, and start afresh.  But I am no bird of flames; I am just a mere human, bound by the laws of mortality. 

                                         MONSOON: A Shower that washes it all away

       I crave for freedom. I crave to be free from the bounds of expectations, I crave to be free from this whirlwind of emotions. I don’t want to feel anymore, I don’t want warmth anymore. I need the chilly winter to freeze my heart and lock away all those tears. I want to forget all those years past me, I want to get shrouded in the blackness and start painting my world again. I want to erase everything from my heart and mind; all the pain and all the smiles. Because it is those smiles that remind me of what I have lost, remind me of who I have become. I want to erase this cursed existence of mine, this so called luxury I have been provided with. I am tired of this long summer, I crave for the monsoon to come and wash away every trace of memory from my mind. I want to forget, and move on. I want to be a new person.

                                         WINTER: A white sorrow...beautiful and lonely

His Love...

                                                                                  

              She knows pain, she has burned in it. She has seen suffering, that unquenchable thirst throbbing and aching in her throat. She knows want, desires lapping up and engulfing her in their depth. She is no naive child; she’s a woman who has seen misery, felt its claws ripping off her skin. And yet, her innocent heart learns not, again and again she jumps off that cliff, down into that pit of fire. She lets those flames lick her up, as they chastise her soul, drowning it in that ever flowing river of sorrow.

           Love can be beautiful and love can be intimidating, but for her love was a breeze of fresh air. Love raised her from the darkness she had fallen into, embracing her and showing her a light that lead her life. Love taught her how to smile, her ringing laughter that echoed through the house. Love changed her, purified her. It led her into a serenity of bliss, where her injured soul found solace, among its beautiful stars and musical bells. And then love bled her, a deep red pouring from her heart. It showed her facets she had never seen; dreams more frightening than nightmares, realities sweeter than fairytales and hopes that would pierce right through her existence.

She loves him; that is the only reality of life she knows. She adores him, she admires him. She is in awe of him and she is terrified of him. But he is the one in her heart. For her the world in which he and she can be together is the only world that can exist. They say when good things fall apart, better things come together. But he is the damn best thing that ever happened to her, what could be better than the best?

His love is a pain sweeter than the nectar of Gods. It wounds deeper than the seven hells. Yet, his love is the music from Krishna’s flute that soothes the soul. His love is a rainfall of tears; tears that cleanse away all her grief. His love is the axe that breaks her heart into a thousand pieces. And each drop of blood oozing out brightens her spirits in its color of red. His love is a bite of cobra, each strike of its venom strengthening her core. His love is that field of mud, where the lotus of her life blossoms. His love is not divine, his love is brutal; but it is the only religion she follows. If he were a demon in the bright sunlight, she would be a worshiper of the night. His love is a nightmare lovelier than fairy tales, a reality sweeter than dreams. His love is not a game of Cupid; his love is a blow from the mean Necessitas.

But no matter how harsh the lights glow, no matter how hot the flames grow, she would still strive for his love. Even if his love pushes her far, she will still sacrifice herself on her love’s altar. No, love isn't a horrible dark dream; it is but the silver lining in the dark clouds of life. Love doesn't bring obstacles, it smoothen this bumpy ride of survival. For it is love than makes her grow, it is love that shapes the woman in her. It was his love that made her succeed. It doesn't let her falter, it doesn't let her fall. And everything seems blurry and hazy; it is his love that guides her way. And at the end of the day, she knows it is his love that makes her breathe. 

Loving him is all she knows...

     A serene calmness lies over the trees. A silence that spreads all around, with that distant chirping of the birds. The twinkling of the moon, in the water below, reflects bright in her eyes. The occasional splattering of water, the tip tap footsteps of the resting cows, brings about that unique feeling of oneness. Here she is one with the nature, away from the maddening rush, peaceful in her mother's lap. The wind smoothly caresses her as she rests her feet in the depth of the water below. As the aroma of the wet soil eases her sense, her soul finds solace. Here she knows that she can forget the searing pain throbbing through her veins, as the beauty if nature fills the hole in her heart. Her smile isn't fake, her tears don't flow and her pulse sing a song of beauty when she is here. This is her escape, her haven, the one place she feels safe at.

        But no matter how divine her hideout is, there are still snakes lurking in the deepest corners of the pond, thriving on her inner demons. She knows the pain will be waiting in her path, its hood spread, patiently awaiting its moment to strike. She knows this because she is never truly safe. Sometimes this very wind that is so kind to her, rings in its breezes the whisper of his voice. Sometimes the soothing moonlight brings in its rays the silkiness of his touch. Sometimes the slowly dancing water shows his face in its steely folds. She can escape the physical presence of his world, but she can't hide from the feelings that dwell in her heart, feeding on her life energy. He resides in the core of her soul, wrapped in the arms of love. 

        Yes she loves him, its a reality she can't run away from. And yet she knows he can never be hers. He is the forbidden fruit whose lure sends her through hell. He wasn't meant to be hers. But her heart doesn't know that and her soul doesn't accept that. They pine after him, pushing her into a world of dark clouds. She knows he broke her heart, she knows loving him more will slowly break her spirit. But she just can't stop those feelings overwhelming her every thought, her every instinct. She will love him even if it destroys her. she will love him till that gaping hole in her heart consumes her existence. She will love him beyond Haedes' berth. Because loving him is all she knows.

First Closeness...!!!

             And so time stopped. All I could see was you, so close to me and yet miles apart. There you were, barely inches from me, my surroundings filled with your presence. Nothing mattered to me; the heat of the room, the buzz of the class, that distant voice of the teacher, everything was a blur. All I could feel was that tingling presence of yours. I could smell that unique cologne that was you, feel the heat radiating off your skin, as it touched mine, warming my very core. I just had to stretch my fingers to caress that soft skin your hand, to feel that fine texture underneath my fingers.

            

            And yet I couldn’t. You are my forbidden fruit that lures me into its den; teasing me, tormenting me. I know I can’t have you, and yet I yearn for you. I don’t know what it is that pulls me to you, but it’s so hard to resist. I yearn to touch you and know you. Having you so close to me today, it took every single fibre of my body to hold me back. All I know is, during those moments time stopped for me, all I was aware of was the closeness between us. All that mattered was the space we shared, that moment when we nearly touched, the area electrified by the intensity of our auras.

           

              I don’t know what it is that we have, I don’t know what you mean to me. All I know is that I want you to be mine. I want your eyes to look at me only. I want that crooked smile on your face to e for me. I want your hand to never leave mine. I want your lips to adore mine. I want you more than I can express. This desire for you burns through every vein of my body. Whenever I see you, I want to hold you. We are so magnetic, and yet I repel you. I wish you could see me the way I do; I wish you could feel the pull like I do.

I know I would never get another chance like today. I would never have you so close to me ever again. But there is a wish, a hope in me, that someday we can be closer than this. And till the day comes, I will hold today close to me, hidden under the layers of my desire, waiting for the time when we could be close again.

Valentine's Day

              Its  been 4 years to that day to that 1st time we celebrated love together.The vivid memories of that day float in front of me. It does not feel like 4 years have passed since that day when you wished me like a mad man, shouting your love in the heart of the city. It was on that day I realized the extent of your craziness for me. You never gave me a gift; not even a hug or a kiss; you were a thousand miles away from me and yet the intensity of your love hit me like a thousand volts. I could feel the way you missed me, the way you craved for me. And it was then that I understood, this was the kind of love that never dies, the kind of love that can't be replaced, can't be rediscovered. Right then and there I knew, you were my soul mate; that was how strong the arrow of cupid had penetrated my heart, on that Valentine's Day. 

               

                Love can be so confusing  at times. Sometimes it makes you fly, freely in the world of your dreams, then at others it makes you fall, head first, on the ground. It becomes difficult to understand the array of feelings piercing your heart. Every time you breathe, every time you blink, a new set of emotions awake, tremendous in intensity and fleeting in existence. Love comes slowly, creeping upon us suddenly like the morning fog, ever touching, ever teasing. But under the cloak of its deemed calmness, it raises in you a tempest of emotions, unsettling everything you ever knew, changing and turning the very core of your soul. Love is but the rain of Venus' wrath, soaking war-ridden men in its enchanted waters, condemning them to be forever its slave.

               And thus, it enslaved us, binding us in its eternal ropes, a view of uncanny beauty blinding our hearts. And blind we were. Trapped in that illusion of utopia, we never saw when we fell so far apart, when the strings tying us slowly started snapping. The more the time we spent in that eternal dream, the farther we were stretched. And that, what started with a small rumble of thunder, broke into a full-fledged storm, breaking us apart, killing that love which was supposed to be immortal. And just like that, confined in a passing moment, it became a chapter in history, those words of yours, on that Valentine's Day.

              May be we were not meant to be, may be our souls were not supposed to meet yet, but that spot where the arrow of cupid pierced me, still hurts. My heart still bleeds from Venus' blow, my eyes tearing up at the divine light of Aphrodite. Our love may have died, but its spirit still lives, residing in our hearts. Love in itself is such an paradox. The greater the happiness it brings, the greater is the sorrow it leaves in its wake. It brings such a fulfillment to the soul and yet, when it departs, the emptiness that follows is unfathomable. In this empty darkness, I sit alone, a lone tear my only companion, as I think of the love that was flourishing on that Valentine's Day.